Prefix.

So, tonight I did a little bit of digging, both emotionally and intellectually, about my own perspective of self.
I realised just how... important prefixes are to my identity. I was laying in bed about ten minutes ago, and as these thoughts kept buzzing around in my head I decided that I was not going to get any sleep tonight until I sat down and did some serious writing.

There are three key terms that define myself, in one way or another, although amusingly between them there are only two prefixes. 'Bi' comes up twice, although it turns out, not in the way that I had been considering myself, and 'Pan' comes up once.

For the sake of the beginning of the explanation I will begin with the term that only comes up once.
Pan. I've never really paid enough attention to realise that there was a different term for the way I view my sexuality, I thought that I fell under the bi-sexual banner, but it never really sat comfortably for me. I am attracted to people. I've never really considered other people to be one gender or the other when I am attracted to them. I mean yes, they do place themselves into a box somewhere along the line, but their genitals don't make the least bit of difference to me. Pan-sexual.

Now, as some of you are aware, I have been coming to terms with my own mental illness over the last few years, and I have to say a huge thank you to a few members of staff at Hellyer someday. I am medicated now, and probably will be for the rest of my life. I'm okay with that, as I grew up I hid my problems, and that may have play a great part in my introversion now. Now I face them, and to be completely honest it's amazing to feel as secure in myself as I do now. As a child, adolescent and teen I cried myself to sleep. I had days where I could not sit still, or be quite. I was energetic and out-going, or so withdrawn and upset I lied to people because I had no idea why I was so sad. I didn't really understand for a long time that the reasons would only come after the tears. Or that the overwhelming joy was for no reason at all. My second term is more common. Bi-polar.

I have never really understood the divide between the sexes, if that wasn't evident enough above. A great deal of this has to do with my last term. I find this one hardest to write about, perhaps because I didn't really understand it 'til tonight. Sometimes I want to be the girl. Effeminate and cuddly, and admittedly submissive. However sometimes I am the boy. Brash and rough, and dominant. For a long time I thought that perhaps I was trans but there were a few problems with that diagnosis. For starters, and lets be grown up here, I enjoy having sex with my boyfriend as a girl. So clearly that raised some problems. In different situations I will be... different. The girl or the boy, or perhaps somewhere in between. This is very hard to explain by the way. Look it up. Research if you want. Maybe you'll understand one day. I hope to. Thus my final term. Bi-gender.